Parody of “Lucy On The Line”, words and music by
Tim Griffin
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Parody lyrics ©2024-03-25 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.
It was nineteen hundred fifty-two on a Sunday in November
With the football season starting for that year
When a kid was taught a lesson that he rarely would remember
Of the danger of relying on a peer.
When the little short round-headed kid charged up to kick the football
With his classmates and his neighbors there to see
While the Van Pelt’s eldest daughter crouched down waiting for his footfall,
It was just a moment later that he wished he’d bought a tee.
| Chorus: |
Do you want to do the kickoff? Just let Lucy hold the ball. But she yanked the football high up off the ground, and made him fall. For she didn’t want his dirty shoe to smudge her brand new ball. You can never have self-confidence when Lucy holds the ball. |
Now Lucy was a linebacker when she’d been a few years younger
But the glory days of nursery school were gone.
He’d disparaged her athletic skills and sparked her lifelong hunger
To take revenge each year from that day on.
So one day in 1956 she said she’d hold it steady
With 100 million dollars on the line.
But just when his leg swung upward, the determined girl was ready
And he sat down very hard as he wound up on his behind.
| Chorus: |
Did you really trust the empty word of Lucy with the ball? Here’s 100 million dollars in your face. It’s quite a haul. I have zero dollars to my name, and you can have it all. Don’t buy insurance policies from Lucy with the ball. |
And every year thereafter she would make up new excuses
— Like a muscle spasm, even women’s lib —
To pull away the ball to cause a stumble that left bruises,
Each sillier than last year’s and more glib.
In 1963 she sealed her promise with a handshake.
And he knew a handshake meant that she was bound.
But as he charged to kick the ball, it proved to be a head fake.
And he lay there wondering why she’d let him down.
| Chorus: |
See, a woman’s word is worthless, explained Lucy with the ball. Haven’t signed a binding contract that is legal, after all. If that seems unfair to you then take it up with City Hall And banks that issue credit cards, said Lucy with the ball. |
One year she said to Charlie Brown, “Now here’s what gonna happen:
I’ll pretend to hold the ball for you to kick.
At the last possible moment I’ll reveal it was a trap and
I will pull the ball away from you real quick.“
He came running back as always. Once he lay there staring skyward,
She calmly stood above him to observe:
“If men listened when we spoke to them you’d know that I kept my word.
But you didn’t, so you got what you deserve.”
| Chorus: |
But one time in a weak moment, Lucy really held the ball. He got just one chance in a lifetime to make contact. That was all. Although he tried to kick it hard, it rolled backward half a yard. This time Lucy suffered harm and wore a cast up to her arm and some ironically timed karma Struck when Lucy held the ball. |