Parody of “Kerowyn's Ride”, words by
Mercedes Lackey
, music by
Leslie Fish
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more information
and other parodies, see
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Parody lyrics ©1993-07-15 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.
Kerowyn, Kerowyn, where are you riding,
A war horse bestriding, two others in tow,
With large empty sacks and those wagons and pack mules?
Kerowyn, Kerowyn, where do you go?
Last night at the banquet, dark raiders attacked us.
The bodies and food now grow cold.
They’ve stolen our treasure, and the bride of my brother.
I swear I’ll take back what they hold!
I ride now to rescue the gold!
Kerowyn, Kerowyn, what about Dorna?
Did you not mention your sister-in-law?
Surely you’ll see she gets free of those brigands.
Surely her kidnapping sticks in your craw.
My sister-in-law is a fool and a weakling,
And she acted like one in the raid.
Her father has offered too small of a ransom.
So why should I lend any aid?
Her dowry is already paid!
Kerowyn, Kerowyn, where is your honor?
The raiders invaded your home and your lands.
There’s no one but you to stand up for your family
By staging the rescue that honor demands.
I just hope they honor my letter of credit
At taverns and inns on the way.
I’ll eat and drink well ’til the end of the month.
Let them try to get Daddy to pay!
I’ll charge into battle this day!
Kerowyn, Kerowyn, where’s your compassion?
How can you bear to leave Dorna alone?
How can you leave her with ill-mannered brigands,
Whose filthy excesses are commonly known?
Uncouth and uncleanly, I don’t doubt a moment,
But I for one won’t shed a tear.
For I know my brother much better than she does.
If I freed her and brought her back here,
I’m not sure she’d thank me next year!
Grandmother, Grandmother, I need a weapon.
I’m one against many, and I am afraid
That those daggers I got as a midwinter’s present
Were all accidentally mislaid,
Save one that got used as a spade.
Kerowyn, Granddaughter, for a small pittance,
This broad sword of mine is quite nice.
Greed is her name, and she’ll sniff out your treasure,
And kill all your foes in one slice.
A bargain at three times the price!
Grandmother, Grandmother, what of those stories?
They say your concern was for justice alone.
Why try appealing to conscience and feelings?
Why question mine, when you’ve none of your own?
Kerowyn, not for naive young romantics
Is the life of a soldier or guard.
Forget all those stories and songs you grew up with,
And try not to take it so hard.
You can’t trust the words of a bard!