Parody of “Dryad's Promise”, words and music by
Betsy Tinney
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Parody lyrics ©2013-11-20 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.
The ghost of a dryad haunts an old movie theater.
She plagues the projector like smoke in the beam.
Her bones underfoot crunch like spilled movie popcorn.
She hangs ’round the coffee like steam.
| Chorus: |
Whispering, “Whoa, these horror films blow. No ghost story’s sad as my sorrowful plight. It just isn’t the same since that vampire bit me, And the woods are so spooky at night.” |
And sometimes at full moon, she’ll change to a werewolf.
Her furry grey shadow floats silently by,
But then when she howls at the scenes that she’s seeing,
The sound track blends into her cry.
| Chorus: |
Whining, “Whoa, these monster films blow. Their lives are so simple compared to my own. I was sucking on sap when that werewolf attacked me. Now I yearn to chase sticks and chew bones.” |
The were-dryad sighs when she sees science fiction.
The faraway planets remind her of home.
With glistening flukes, she swam kelp forest cities,
Before she created this clone.
| Chorus: |
Carping, “Whoa, these action films blow. No comic book captures my actual plight. For the termite that bit me was radioactive. Now trees live in fear of my bite.” |
She’s never impressed by the shambling corpses,
Nor nightmarish killers who claw, slash, and slice.
No matter how morbid the special effects are,
She points out they only die twice.
| Chorus: |
Moaning, “Whoa, these zombie films blow. I don’t even know why I rose from the grave When that stake pierced my heart just before I could eat it. But now it’s cerebrums I crave.” |
At the back of the theater, surrounded by sawdust,
The ghost of the were-zombie vampire clone
Of the alien mer-dryad, nymph of a termite,
Reviews her problems alone.
Saying,
“Whoa, these movies all blow.
These characters never face troubles like mine.
For these Hollywood scripts make it all seem so simple,
No one ever believes why I pine.
No, you’ll never believe why I pine.”