If Ever I Would Love You

Parody of “If Ever I Would Leave You”, words by Alan Jay Lerner , music by Frederick Loewe

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Parody lyrics ©1993-12-14 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.

If ever I would love you, it wouldn’t be in summer,
Knowing how in summer, mosquitoes will swarm.
I can’t feel romantic when nipped in the bud.
The bugs breed in summer, and they’re out for blood.

But if I ever loved you, it couldn’t be in autumn.
You know damn well in autumn, we won’t have the time!
The holiday shopping!  The leaves to be raked!
The Thanksgiving dishes that you never baked.

Nor could I love you while you’re suffering from a cough,
Or on a virgin snowdrift, where I might freeze something off!

If ever I would love you, how could it be in springtime,
Knowing how in spring I’m allergic to hay!
No way, not in springtime, summer, winter, or fall!
No, never will I love you at all.