For Emily, Whatever She May Have Heard

Parody of “For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her”, words and music by Paul Simon

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Parody lyrics ©2010-04-25 by Bob Kanefsky. All rights reserved. The copyright of the original lyrics and music remain with the holder(s) of the original copyright.

Emily Litella (one of Gilda Radner’s characters) was an elderly woman with a hearing problem who made regular appearances on SNL's in the late 1970s. I didn’t make these up, not even the historical ironies of the third verse; these are the character’s actual responses to editorials about sax on television, violins on television, saving endangered species, hiring the handicapped, the Equal Rights Amendment, busing schoolchildren, Presidential elections, euthanasia, and Soviet Jewry. Technically, it was her sister who thought the issue in China was flea elections; Emily quickly informed her it was flea erections.

What’s this fuss I hear,
Up in arms again,
Charged with televising
Sax and violins?
What’s the harm in that?

I’m sick of hearing this
“Endangered feces” crap.
I heard the pundits call
For firing the handicapped!
And eagle rights!

They’re busting schoolchildren;
What kind of threat are they?
Why would the President
Need more erections anyway?
At our expense!

Next thing you know,
Once they elect a flea,
Those youth in Asia
Will want Russian jewelry!
What’s that you say?

The last line should probably be spoken, since the tune calls exactly the opposite of the intonation Emily always used. Also, if playing on a guitar, this might be a good time to do that thing guitarists occasionally do of suddenly silencing the strings with a flattened hand, since this represents the point where Emily always gets the wind taken out of her sails in mid-rant.

Oh, never mind!